Syndicate

OK, I've got a few problems with this scenario. First and foremost, Hulk Hogan is not an effective spokesperson for anything except birth control. As in, "I'm a good example of one of those people who really shouldn't breed." Yeah, I know that was harsh, but Hogan really doesn't know best. Neither of his children are going anywhere in life, especially the jackass with the leadfoot. Totally f**ked up his friend's life but still has the audacity to show up at car shows. Tool.

One only has to look at the parents of the jackass to understand how he could have turned out that way. "Mother" Linda just announced she's marrying her now-21-year-old boytoy after two whirlwind years of grossing everybody else the f**k out with their frankly disturbing PDA. Her children went to school with this cheap little rent-a-cock; her ex-husband talks about doing her like OJ did Nicole when he sees the boytoy driving his Escalade around town. And now he wants to sell you a little something to clean your hands. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

Why can't we just buy this one? Is it for sale?You mean something could actually live and grow in that thing?!? I know there's got to be oodles of room in that well-traveled womb but you'd think it would be one of those dead zones.

Apparently not agreeing with the popular consensus is Wonky's new love, Doug Reinhardt, who says he'd "love to have some mini-Parises one day." Well, Doug, you already do. It won't be long now before your first major outbreak of them.

I almost hate to admit it, but these are actually pretty well matched. Both are blond, tanned and utterly brainless. Doug is probably a boy Mom and Pop would appreciate - unless his pedigree is too common. She is an heiress, after all. Then again, she's also aging rather quickly, and they'd do well to get her hitched before she exceeds her shelf life. I hope he doesn't have a problem signing a pre-nup.